Monday, October 4, 2010

Kind of sad

I'm kind of sad for a friend right now. Its not that anything bad happened to her, no one died or anything like that. Its just that she's going through a hard time and I know how she feels. BTDT. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know so I can't really call her to talk about it either.

Too I'm sad for my little Claire- she just threw up a lot. I thought we were getting over that. Added to that, I'm also a little sad because I see us making an inevitable slide towards more and more formula. The nursing is not going well and I don't really have the energy to work on it like we should. I know what I need to do, or at least I think I do, but I just don't have the energy or the will to do it.

I feel resentful of the staff at the hospital because I feel like we were set up for failure. I don't know how much is my fault- I had that spinal headache for 4 days and couldn't have taken care of my girls anyway. But I really feel that they weren't supportive of our breastfeeding relationship. It was undermined so early and often that I didn't even get a chance at a good start. And maybe that's my fault for not pushing harder. But I was so sick the first 4 days and without my husband after the first day... Well, it is what it is. The girls are never going to be good nursers and I'm never going to do what it would take to make them be. I know babies grow just fine on formula and I'm still pumping to give them as much breastmilk as I can...

This is such a downer of a post. Things are actually going really well here. The girls' umbilical cords finally fell off so they've had a few baths now. Thank goodness. They even each had a shower. I took them in the shower with me when we were out of town over the weekend. They really like it. We were in Birmingham to see Steve's grandfather. He's doing really poorly- he had to be put on hospice recently and he's not expected to make it much longer. Steve wanted him to see the babies before he goes.

While we were in Birmingham, we had the girls' pictures made. We just went to Portrait Innovations, nothing fancy. They came out ok. I mean, the girls are only 3 weeks old so I couldn't expect much from them. Here are some of the better (or more interesting) ones.

                                                                        Family Shot
We didn't order this one- there was one pretty similar that was better. I just thought it was cute how Claire is yawning.
                                                   Amelia is telling Claire a big secret.

I made the girls' outfits. We got a few cute individual shots of each girl. Little sweetie pies! The girls are doing really well and growing like weeds. Amelia is over six pounds and Claire isn't too far behind.
I'm so proud of my big pretty girls!


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  2. I had a LOT of trouble breastfeeding as well. I pumped for Madelyn's first 4 months before she became a good nurser. Your babies will grow up to be healthy and happy individuals as a result of your parenting NOT how they were fed. If you ever need an understanding ear, I am here for you. I have been in your shoes, and it's not an easy place to be. You will make the decision that is right for you, Stephen and the babies. If you ever need me, I am here. The bonus is - I am usually awake late at night and would never mind a phone call if you need me. I'm so sorry about Steve's granddad. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. The pictures are wonderful! Amelia and Claire are beautiful. I can't wait to see more pictures as they grow and change. The days are slow but the months fly by. (Per my LC, who I didn't believe but mind has definitely changed! :O ) BTW, take LOTS of pictures! They will change more every day and you may not even notice the subtle differences since you see them every day. Sending all our love!

  3. I LOVE those pictures! Those outfits are the cutest things ever, ahhh :) Hope the nursing is going better. I don't understand why such a natural thing is SO HARD. Seriously...what's the deal? I wonder how it is for people who don't have formula as an option. Maybe they know the secret. I actually think about that quite often, which is weird to admit. Not that there is literally a secret, but maybe they know how to help each other better or something like that.

  4. Melissa- I've given that a lot of thought too. I think that people who don't have formula for an option have options that we don't. Before formula, if you couldn't/wouldn't feed your own baby, you could either hire someone else to nurse your baby (wet-nurse) or else someone else you knew could nurse your baby for you. These days, we are NOT comfortable with someone else nursing our babies so that's not really an option. The other thing is that in days past (or you know, in Africa) you would have grown up seeing other women nurse their babies. So you kind of had an idea of how it worked. And if you didn't, everyone you knew had nursed their own babies so they knew how to help you. Its a lot easier for us to quit now that we have formula. Also, I hate to admit this, but its a lot harder to be available to your baby 24/7 nowadays. We have had several things in our lives lately where it has been SO nice to be able to leave the babies with grandma and a bottle and go off for a little while. Anyway, we have found a balance that is working for us. Its not ideal but its saving all of our sanity right now. So yay for that!